Exactly What I Needed To See

This was posted on Facebook by a friend of mine. I don't know who to credit with the artwork, but it was exactly what I needed to see when I saw it. It reminds me that sometimes my totally crazy ideas only sound totally crazy because no one else has thought of them...

(The image is too large to post, use the link below)

http://www.nettserier.no/_striper/jellyvampire-1304892000.jpg

Sam Seaborn

I love movies about writers. I especially love moves about writers that are fictional. Movies such as Finding Forrester, Field Of Dreams, The Front, Californication, The West Wing (yeah, I know those are TV shows) and (most recently) Midnight In Paris. The thing I love about these movies the most is that we almost never hear the artist’s final work (Finding Forrester non-withstanding).

Whomever is writing the movie knows the type of character they need create and what the expectations of that character are. They also know if they build up a character’s talent (like Hank Moody in Californication), we hear their work and it sucks it completely destroy everything we’ve seen previous to that. We have heard very little of Hank Moody’s work on the show. We hear stray sentences and the occasion line from his screenplay, but never a work in it’s entirety. He has been built up as the monster talent and I think the writer knows that whatever we hear of his writing won’t measure up to what we expect from him.

As it turns out, Hank Moody’s book “God Hates Us All” has been released. Obviously it isn’t written by Hank himself, being that he dons’t exist, but it was released with his name slapped on the cover. I wouldn’t go anywhere near this thing. I’m not saying that it may not be good (I’m sure it’s a perfectly fine book) but I don’t want my vision of this character ruined.

The same goes for Field Of Dream’s Terrance Mann. Throughout the movie we hear about how there has been such controversy over his book, how he coined the phrase “make love not war”, how his writing influenced Ray to not play catch with his dad… and we never hear any of his work. Not even a snippet. I understand he was originally supposed to be J.D. Salinger, but that isn’t an excuse. Simply put, the writer of that movie wasn’t confident enough to come up with something convincing, so he worked around it.

That’s the kind of writer I wish I could be sometimes. If just everyone could come together and agree that I had a talent, and no one actually had to read my work, that’d be really swell. I could get behind that. It doesn’t work like that, which bring me to my next point:

The West Wing. Simultaneously my favorite and least favorite television show of all time. I love it because I can sit down and watch 6 episodes in a row and not notice where the time went. The character’s are perfect. It’s funny, it’s sad. It’s smart, serious and quick when it needs to be and silly, lighthearted and lackadaisical when it should be. Every single line on that show does its job, nothing is wasted.

I hate that show though, because it represents everything I’m not, both on real-life level in that I will never be able to go toe-to-toe with Aaron Sorkin (the writer of the first 4 seasons) and in the meta level because I will never be able to go toe-to-toe with Sam Seaborn or Toby Ziegler (the president’s speech writers). These are two fictional writers who’s work is not only throughout the entire show, but and the very forefront. They discuss writing, how it’s done, how great words can change the course of nations. “Oratory should raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place. We should be talking about not being satisfied with past solutions; we should be talking about a permanent revolution!” says Sam when in the middle of a writing slump, considering himself void of all his talent. We hear these characters say things like that throughout the show and then prove their worth by delivering some of the mot amazing presidential rhetoric ever written.

The kind of writer I want to be is Terrance Mann, celebrated but never read. The kind of writer I NEED to be is Sam Seaborn.

Perhaps better put: the kind of writer I need to want to be is Sam Seaborn.

Rain

It's been raining quite a bit here in my fair city and I, frankly, love it. Rain has always been a bit of a mood-enhancer for me. No matter what I'm feeling at the time, the rain really draws it out and makes it apparent, which is a big deal for an emotionally stunted person such as myself.

The only problem, really with is raining so much is this: though it brings out all my raw emotion, emotion that can be used to put ink to paper and write some very deep things... it also makes me very drowsy. The pitter patter of drops on my window drown everything else out until... I wake eight hours later. But, I did manage to peck out the beginning of a scene.

This is something I think I'll say a lot on this blog: please understand this is a first draft of this and that I have ever intention of cleaning it up- but I thought I'd share and see if anyone had some initial thoughts.

To set the scene up a bit: Beau (yes, named after myself) has just lost his mother and is at the funeral, being held at his house. He notices his step-dad, John (a 12-years sober alcoholic), is missing and goes out the garage to see where John may have gone off to:

The rain outside pours down in waves, as though the clouds themselves mourned his mother’s passing. Anguish after anguish beats against the windows as Beau enters the garage.

His looks around for a moment. The door to the office is closed and the shaft of light coming from under the door is the only thing illuminating the scene. He sees the tools, normally in perfect order, thrown around clumsily like spoons in a college dorm’s drawer. There are no cars in the garage at the moment, but pieces of them litter the floor, as though someone had spread out the pieces of a puzzle and given up before beginning. Beau walks to the door to the office and knocks softly.

Beau

Hey, you in there?

There is no reply. Beau tries again.

Beau

Hey (pauses for a moment, thinking of using the word ‘dad’ but decides against it) Hey, John. It’s Beau. Can I come in?

This no reply, but the sound of classic rock starts to come from the office. It is “Desperado” by The Eagles.

Beau

Look, I’m coming in.

Beau turns the knob and presses against the door. Lightning illuminates the scene as he presses it harshly trying to force it open. Finally it gives with a loud creak and Beau tumbles in. He finds John sitting in a chair adjusting the volume on his stereo, an unopened beer can on the cribbage table in front of him.

John

You want a drink?

Beau sits down and contemplates the scene.

Beau

I’m ok... Have you had one yet?

John

This is the only one in the house. Musta been left over from your grampa.

Beau

Well, in that case I will have a drink.

John nudges the beer closer to Beau and gestures towards it. Beau cracks it open and sips a little of it.

Beau

You know John, you should be happy you didn’t fall off the wagon. I’ll never understand Gradpa’s fondness for Old Milwaukee.

John

If you don’t want it, I can take it back.

Beau (thinking better of his comment)

No, I’ll get through it.

John, without a word, begins dealing out cards. He turns the cribbage board so tat both he and Beau can reach the pegs.

John

One game?

Beau

Sure, I’ll beat your ass once before I go back.

John finishes dealing the cards, picks up his and begins moving them around his hand, looking like a professional. Like cards is the only thing he knows, and he knows it well.

Beau picks through his cards quickly, sets two in John’s crib, and leans back in his seat. John still mulls over his cards as a huge crash is heard and rain starts flying into the office. The window has been blown open and water is gushing forth. John quickly scrambles to close the window again, but ti won’t stay shut. Frustrated, he picks up the nearest thing he figures he can wedge it shut with; it’s a picture of Amie. Successfully wedging it into place, both he and Beau sit in their chairs and stare the the picture for a bit. The window still knocks against the back of it from time to time, but the picture remains in place and the rain stays out.

John

You know, that’s what your ma always did for me.

Beau

What’s that?

John

She kept the rain out.

Beau stays silent for just a moment and, trying to get the subject changed, lays down his hand.

Beau

Ok, I’ve got fifteen two, fifteen four, a pair is six…

John isn’t paying any attention, he’s only staring out the window.

John (interrupting Beau’s counting)

Have you ever stood on the edge of the rain Joshua?

Beau stops suddenly at the sounds of his given name. For the first time ever he sees John having a real emotional moment, not trying to please anybody, just having strong feelings.

Beau

I… you mean while standing under a roof, or a tree?

John

No, I mean… when I was in the army-

Beau (interrupting)

I didn’t know you served.

John

I never saw any fighting or anything, but I was stationed in Korea for two years. I was a mechanic. I remember one week in particular that I was very busy. Army jeeps are always breaking down, but that week we were pushing through a particularly rough mountain pass and it was raining constantly. Rain like you wouldn’t believe, rain that soaked everything. Because of all the mud, jeeps were coming in everyday to have their engines cleaned out or because someone had hit a particularly slippery patch and had busted something in a crash. It was jeep after jeep and, of course, I was the only gear jockey available. Apparently some big-whig general was coming soon and we had to make sure all the jeeps were ready for inspection, in perfect, you know, tip-top shape. I had been working through the night, into the next day and through the night again to make sure everything was ready. The second morning of straight work finally brought the sun back, with of course really hot weather, but it was better than rain. I was hoping for just a little sleep, but we had to be out at 0600 and I was scheduled to drive the jeep bringing up the rear on the convoy. Being the rear is the shittiest job they an give you because you have no control over how fast everyone moves and it can be easy to get lost, especially being as tired as I was and given the road we were taking was a long, winding mountain pass.

So, I fell behind pretty quickly, and this wasn’t the kind of road anyone could come back for me on. It was narrow, had no kind of railing and the only way to turn around was to get to the top of the mountain, make a 180 and come back. But, because it was a one-way road, it wasn’t too difficult to know where to go, just had to keep moving forward. I would’ve made it too, but I came up on a corner that I probably took a bit too fast, felt the jeep slip and turned the wheel harshly to compensate- which probably would have worked, except one of the tires came loose and literally fell off. Apparently, as I would find out later, I had been driving with only one nut on my front passenger tire and it just needed something to knock it free. Turns out it was me. So the jeep, now out of control, slips off the edge and slides down the side of the mountain. It all happened too fast for me to jump out and I just expected it to be the end, but instead I slammed into a huge mound of mud that had apparently been built up from earlier mudslides. I felt the jeep creak as it settled, and then go silent. So, I’m wedged against this pile of mud and I realized two things: I needed to get out, and I needed it to not start raining again, or there was going to be more mudslides and that would be the end of the jeep and me. I did the first obvious thing I could think of, which was climbing up the side of the mountain. I had banged up my arm pretty good when I crashed, but I figured I could make it. I was wrong. I made it about a quarter of the way up and slid back down, which of course hurt my arm even more. So, I lit a cigarette, leaned against a smaller pile of mud, and hoped that the convoy would come for me when they realized I was missing. As long as it didn’t rain, I was going to be okay. And, like I said, it had been sunny all morning and I hoped that had caked the mud up pretty good. I also oped it meant it would be dry all day. I was wrong. I heard the thunder when I was about half way into my cig and looked off in the distance for the storm. It was coming right at me, towards the mountain, and there was nothing I could do about it. I figured I only had a few minutes, because it was moving fast. I dropped my cig and tried to scramble up the mountain, but I moved too fast and ended up sliding down farther than I intended to. I was at the very edge of the mountain, looking down and watching the rain as it reached the very edge of the mountain- and stopped. I blinked. I knew if the rain came any closer, it would make everything give and I’d either fall to my death or be covered by a mudslide. But there it was, passing right in front of me, having apparently changed direction at the last moment. And when I saw it was close, I don’t mean I could see the stream of rain from my high vantage point, I mean that I could reach out and touch the torrential downpour that was falling before my eyes. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen in my entire life, until I met your mother.

And thats who your mother was. Your mother kept me out of the rain. What am I without her? I can’t cook, and can’t balance a checkbook. I don’t have anyone calling me into the house when I’ve been in the garage too long and I don’t have anyone to share morning coffee with anymore. I’m back on that mountain, just waiting for the rain to move one inch closer and sweep me away.

The Judge

I figure, as long as I'm unemployed, I should 'publish' some of my original work here. I've always been afraid to display my work in public... but here I go. This is my first real attempt at "stream of consciousness" poem:

The Judge

He slams down his gavel and the people cheer

they don’t see what he keeps below his chair

lurking in the dank underbelly of seat springs and foam

lies the most hideous form of lower being

its fangs are sharp, its hiss low and booming

its face drips with the fates of those he condemns

its tongue wet with their blood and its eyes gleeful at their fear

never does it appear to the people

and rarely does it appear to him

but, there it lurks

waiting

Talent?

It seems that the hardest thing to admit is that you don't know what to do. My entire life I've dreamed of being the 'go-to' guy. I want to know everything, and I want everyone to know I know everything so they can ask me for help. I've wanted to do just about everything throughout my life: astronaut, firefighter, librarian, pastor, writer, restaurant owner/chef, social worker... the list drags on. What I really want to do, it seems I can't say. I know what I enjoy doing: I love sitting in a coffee shop, banging away at my computer. I love the way that writing affords me the right to be left alone when I want to be. I have control of who comes in and out of my life and when (for the most part). On days that I want to be just left alone, I need only tell people that I'm 'getting work done' or that 'I'm having a very creative day' and shouldn't be disturbed.

I think most people that know me don't see this part of me very often. The part of me that wants to crawl into a little hole and not talk to anyone, the part of me that wishes it was affordable to live alone and the part of me that wishes people could solve problems on their own.

Unfortunately, the other part of me wants nothing but to help people with those problems and, in so doing, make them like me more. The only way people will ever want to be around them is if I'm helping them in some way. I'm a servant, a tool, something that people need around because talking to a wall isn't super effective. I'm a fantastic listener, I'm very good at giving people want they want: advice, a hug, or just a sounding board. Because of these traits, people tell me I'd be great at a service job, anything from sales to social work. I see their point, but those are not something one can do alone; on those days I just need to wallow I would be unable to hide.

Does that mean I'm destined to write? It seems the perfect gig for someone like myself, but one burning question keeps gnawing at me:

Why would I be given these traits and these strong impulses to write and be creative, but a mediocre talent? It is some genetic joke, or perhaps God is playing a trick on me?

A desire just explodes out of me every time someone asks me to help them with a project or join a writers group, but I'm always stopped by my own voice telling me I can't do it.

A Few Books And Some Musings About Them

I’ve ben thinking mostly about two of my goals: the one about going above and beyond for people I love and the one about finding (or returning to) my spiritual roots. I’ve been reading a lot as of late (per my goal) and I wanted to share some of the things I’ve been reading with you all and what it’s told me about me.

THE BIBLE

First of all, I’ve been reading parts of the book of 1 Peter in the Bible, specifically the parts about doing what it is God made you good at:

1 Peter Chapter 4

10 God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. 11 Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies.

Every time I get a new job I think, “This could be a really great way to help people! I’m excited!”, and every time it ends up falling flat. Maybe it’s because I’m doing it for the wrong reasons? Should I be trying to figure out how to do all this through God, and if so does it mean I should be doing it through a church? If not, how do I do God’s work outside of a church group?

Thinking about this has greatly influenced my choice of majors: Psychology and Social Work. That gives me opportunities to go almost anywhere armed with the knowledge of how people work and how to help them. Is it enough?

TO OWN A DRAGON - Donald Miller

This is the first book I ever read that I felt the author knew exactly who I was, how I felt and what it all meant. I actually purchased this book many many years ago on the recommendation of a friend, and never actually read it. Now I wish I had, because I think hearing these things earlier would have changed the way I view myself. More on this later, I feel this book needs to be at least an entire post’s worth of discussion.

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES - Gary Chapmen

I’ve been trying to remember how to let the people I love know that I love them, so I pulled out the book that first thought me how love works. This book is actually written for marriages, but I think the concepts can be applied to any relationship. Again, a lot more on this book to follow as I work my way through it.

Finalized (probably?) Goals

Apologies for the delay between posts gang, it’s been a long week. Not having the time to (as I planned) go through each of my goals one-by-one, I’d like to present you with my finished list:

1. Bring my planned expenses down to $600/mo before Aug 1st so I can leave work comfortable and pursue school full time.
2. Make a least one night a week completely devoted to school work; this means no TV and no friends that are not around for the express purpose of helping with said schoolwork. This must be in place by the time school starts.
3. At least once a week do something above the “call of duty” for a friend in my life and at least once every two weeks for someone I’ve never met. (These are to be acts of service or kindness that I do not benefit directly from and are not just common courtesy. i.e. Holding doors open does not count!)
4. At least one book I’m reading at any given time must be adding to my spiritual knowledge.
5. Find a chair I can comfortably relax in by the end of summer so I will have a place to sit when the weather turns.

There they are. At first I thought this would be a lot to do, but the more I think about them, the more I think I have an actual shot. I feel confident in myself for the first time in a long time.

Random thoughts about my goals (and whatever else I happen to be thinking or doing) to follow in subsequent posts. I have never been very good at letting people know what I’m thinking and feeling. I’ve always felt better writing it down, and that writing was never shared. You, dear readers, will be subjected the thoughts I couldn’t get out of my mouth in real life. In short: The Leftovers.

Rebuilding My First Goal

So, having had a few days to look over my goals and give them some thought, it occurs to me that not all of them are actually setup to be obtainable. For instance, “Find a way to quit my job that I hate and put all my attention into school” is a nice thought, but has no clean definition on when I’ve actually met it. Do I cross it off when I quit my job? When I start school? When I finish my degree?

Looking down me list of five, I found all kinds of these kind of problems with them. So, I actually bothered to do a little research. It turns out there is a goal-making tool that the entire rest of the world knew about that has somehow slipped past me (which is, granted, not super surprising), SMART goals.

S- Specific

M- Measurable

A- Attainable

R- Realistic

T- Timely

Looking at my goals, none of them really hit that criteria at all! Therefore, I suspect my next few posts will be about adjusting my goals to make them not only more specific but more challenging as well. I’ll start today with the first of my goals, which I feel is going to be a two-fer: Find a way to quit my job that I hate and put all my attention into school.

First of all, like I said, it’s really two separate goals, one referring to my job and one to school. I’ll tackle the work part first.

Specific:

“Find a way to quit my job that I hate” First of all, if my goal is to find a way to quit, I must be pretty stupid. Quitting is as easy as dropping a piece of paper on a desk. Or, in some cases, as easy as simply not showing up. In thinking this, I decided the entire wording would have to be changed, so I started with, “Quit my job.”

Okay, off to a fair start. Of course, there are a lot of question associated with quitting a job, the most important being: Where will I get money?

Finding a part-time job can’t be too difficult, but that doesn’t change the fact that I need around $1000 a month to run my life, minimum.

$1000 is a number I reached after a bit of bill addition, which made me wonder if I wasn’t spending just a bit too much money on myself, or at the very least not spending my money in the most thrifty way possible. I could probably find places in my budget to cut and trim so I wasn’t quite so dependent on money. Sure, student loans will help a bit, but I don’t want to live off of them, nor do I ant to use them irresponsibly or unethically.

So my goal became:

Bring my monthly expenses down so I will be free to leave my job.

Measurable:

I need a number to shoot for, so I know when I’ve brought my expenses down far enough to quit. When I had my part-time job I made around $300 every two weeks, so given that I will probably be working less with school in session, I decided a goal to shoot for was $500. $500 a month to live on… which brought me to my next point:

Attainable:

Is $500 a month a completely insane amount of money? That’s not to say that sometime I won’t take a little extra and have some fun, but it is to say that I need my basic living expenses (home, food, phone) under $500. Luckily for me, I have a pretty sweet rent deal right now, and it doesn’t appear that will change soon. The first obvious thing to go, for me, was cable. If I’m going to devote more time to other things anyhow, I might as well lose the cable bill. For those that don’t know me, let me put this decision in perspective: I want a mass amount of media. And, no, it isn’t only because I’m lazy, it’s because I love the way a movie or TV show can make you feel. I can go into this later, I just wanted to be sure you understood this wasn’t something I walked into lightly.

I’ll have to keep the internet, I’ll need it for school and to write this blog, but internet can be found pretty cheaply, as long as I’m willing to live with a slower speed. The nice thing about keeping the internet is that I’ll still be able to find most TV shows I want to see through Hulu and Netflix. That helped ease my mind a bit.

The next place to cut was credit cards. Right now, I’m sitting at about $1,500 in credit card debt. This kind of eats into my fourth goal, so I want go into it now, but I could certainly save some money if I didn’t have those bills every month.

The more I look for cuts, the more I realize $500 just isn’t going to cut it, so I decided to shoot for something just a little higher at $600. It may mean I’ll have to work a little longer, but I think I’ll feel more comfortable. This makes my goal, so far:

Bring my expenses down to $600 a month so I can leave my job.

Realistic:

I suppose this means I need to make sure this is a goal I will actually be willing to work at. Doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be hard because, if goals were easy, we wouldn’t really need them. I don’t think I need to change the wording of my goal at this point, but it did help me reflect on whether is was something I wanted. (It is).

Timely:

This one seems obvious, but I missed it anyhow. Of course there should be a time frame on it or I can just put it off and put it off and put it off. Like with anything, deadlines can help motivate to an end. I thought it made a lot if sense for this goal to be reached by the time school started, so my goal becomes:

Bring my expenses down to $600 a month by Aug 1st so I can comfortably leave my job before full-time school starts.

Goals:

1. Bring my expenses down to $600 a month by Aug 1st so I can comfortably leave my job before school starts.
2. Put all my attention into school.
3. Start showing the people I love that I care by giving more of myself to them.
4. Figure out who and what this God person may or may not be.
5. Purchase a chair I can actually relax in.

If I wrote a blog every time I made some new life choice, I probably wouldn’t have time to actually carry out the choices I made. That said, I’ve never blogged about ANY life choice I’ve made, so the decision to go back to school seemed as good a thing as any to share with the world.

To give you a little background on what makes this choice actually interesting, this will be the 4th school I’ve tried to give myself a ‘new start’ at. Something always came up. Depression, a job, a stroke, and a thousand other things that kept me from doing what I needed.

So, I’m gonna keep you all updated (by ‘you all’ I mean the four of you that will ever bother reading this) and ask you keep me accountable.

So far, after an afternoon for brainstorming, I have the following goals:

1. Find a way to quit my job that I hate and put all my attention into school.
2. Start sowing people I love that I care by giving more of myself to them.
3. Figure out who and what this God person may or may not be.
4. Erase all of my non-school related debt.
5. Purchase a chair I can actually relax in.

I reserve the right to adjust these goals as I change and as they become clearer. Come with me on this adventure?